Anxiety Finally Defined

     I know there is nothing new under the sun.  And this is nothing new.  But why is it that something you have known for so long can suddenly unlock something hidden in plain sight??  I realize I am going to have to explain what I mean, and I can.  Perfectly.    Finally.
     I was listening to a podcast, and a wife was asking this psychologist how to stop obsessing over her insecurities in her marriage.  The psychologist asked a series of questions then basically told her she had an anxiety disorder.  She said most people have passing thoughts of insecurity, even in a healthy marriage.  Of course, if you are not in a healthy marriage, you cannot expect to defy insecure thoughts.  But she said that the wife's problem was that she lets the thoughts make a nest.  And that is not normal.
     I kept thinking about what the psychologist said.  Now let me tell you about my present situation which is why I am blogging at 11:36pm.  I am very very tired physically, but I cannot sleep.  I am thinking about two things that I cannot fix right now.  This is going to sound really dumb for a minute, but wait for me to make a circle. 
     When I got my youngest out of his car seat today the sun was shining right on the inside of his ear canal and it was waxy!  Ugh!  Well, from getting him in the house and unloading dog food and saying bye to my husband who was leaving for work, the wax stayed nice and tucked away.  Well then as the evening progressed, I decided to let my kids stay up kind of late and watch a movie with me.  The intention was to clean up the house and the kitchen after they went to bed, but as I got more and more tired I settled within myself that dishes and laundry would be enough before bed, but then it was not to be.  Laundry got done but not dishes.  Not one dish.  Because I was too tired!!  Did I say that already??  And now I cannot sleep because my mind is in constant rapid fire mode from one mental picture of ear wax to dirty kitchen, ear wax to dirty kitchen.  Probably over a thousand times.  Not exaggerating. 
     And it is so odd that the flashing pictures and the effect it was having on my demeanor was not connecting until it did connect.  Then I remembered the call about the thoughts making a nest.  Now do not misinterpret me at this point and think that I am an OCD neat freak.  That is not the case.  The  predicament is the drive is there to fix but the ability is not. 
     Then that brought my marriage and my anxiety about it into full view.  I saw my prison cell from the outside for the first time.  When there is a problem in my marriage and I cannot fix it due to distance or a lack of willingness from my partner, I cannot get past it.  The same things that have never been fixed are as painful and real to me as they were years ago, and I have always wondered why?  Why can I not just accept it?   Why does my mind create this never dissipating cyclone?
      I am very consistent with this.  If it is something I am incapable of fixing there is going to be a nest.  And it is not a chickadee nest. It is an Eagle's nest.
      Now think about you.  Is this you?  It would be good to know right?  Because if you want help and you can verbalize exactly what your problem is with complete clarity, then help will be concise.  If you go to a mechanic and say "My breaks do not work" then the mechanic knows exactly what to do.  If you instead say, "there is something wrong and I do not know what it is," the mechanic will have to go into it blindly.   But this is more than breaks, this is break pads.  You know the problem is the breaks AND what is wrong with the breaks! 
     So this translates, "I have anxiety.  And the anxiety is from not being capable of fixing things beyond my control in my life, from little things to big things." 
     I really hope this helps someone.  I feel like when I do get help, I can verbalize exactly what I need.  And I encourage anyone reading to keep thinking, keep reading, keep listening.  Doors will unlock.  It just takes two things.  Seeking answers and time.  Well maybe three.  We will never receive as many answers as we could if we stay locked up.  Sometimes we have to open up and take a chance with other people.  You never know who will say something that will blow your mind wide open, and then subsequently, keep you up all night thinking!!!