I know what Matthew 18:3 means

     Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven."
     I guess growing up I had some idea of what this meant.  I always assumed it was purity.  But children are not pure.  We all know that children lie, sneak, throw fits, scream, refuse to listen, make the same mistakes over and over.  Adults struggle with the same things.  Some of us have more self control than children, but there is one very marked difference between kids and adults and it is huge.  As adults we are terrible at this.  And children are almost masters of it and Jesus was too.  Forgiveness.
     The other day I was pretty much a monster.  My children were acting like children as usual.  Some days I handle the strife better than others.  But my husband has been gone for two weeks, and all the things they do that require me to intervene started sounding like a bomb going off in my ears every five seconds.  Patience was blown to bits.  My nerves were like metal on metal.  These days never make me feel good.  I understand why it happens, and I have more grace for myself than I used to, but I knew I needed to apologize. 
     So I went in their room and I said, "I am so sorry for how I have behaved today.  I know I have asked ya'll over and over again to forgive me for yelling.  I have prayed about this over and over and if God asked me for whatever I wanted I would tell him Patience without a blink!  And I know I will have to ask forgiveness again but I want you to know that I hate that I do it, and I love you so much."  And without hesitation, my child that gives me the most grief said "And we love you too" with the biggest smile on his face and his arms outstretched.  I am tearing up writing this just thinking about it.  Ahhhhhhh.....forgiveness.  This has got to be what that verse means.  I do not know if as adults we are so terrible at forgiving or if we are so terrible at apologizing.  Apologizing means we name what we have done, we make no excuse, we talk about how we have tried to remedy it, we talk about how we have failed after trying to remedy it and we say we are so sorry.  And we realize we can do nothing to get the response we want and we are at the mercy of the offended. 
     How many husbands do this when they have hurt their wives?  How many wives do this?
How many of us actually forgive or just try to forget instead?  Maybe God is trying to teach us something when we continue to struggle with things even though we long with all our heart to stop the thing and we have prayed about it over and over.  I get why it is hard not to yell.  I have four kids and there is always something to do, someone always wants something, they always need more time from me.  Even if I never yelled, I would feel guilty about how I do not have a special moment with each of them each day.  I run out of energy physically and emotionally.  But what about those things in our marriage that hurt us, that never get an apology, and that never stop?  Do you forgive something that is not asked for?  And if so, how?  How do you forgive something that someone does over and over that hurts you and they never acknowledge it and when you bring it up, they make you feel worse about it because they deny it and just refuse to see your pain.  I know what Christ says about forgiveness, but how does forgiveness have any meaning if it is handed out arbitrarily?  It doesn't.  Not to the perpetrator.  Jesus did not say to forgive people who hurt you and do not care about you because they deserve it but because you deserve it.  You deserve to be set free from other people hurting you that do not care.  Apply this to marriage.  The number one reason for divorce is money.  It is not money, it is the perpetual issue with money.  My husband does this one thing that hurts me and he does it over and over and when I confront him about it, he lies and says he does not do it.  It is not the thing he does that threatens our marriage, it his refusal to see and to stop it.  People grow weary of the burden of continual hurt.  Most of us, probably all of us can deal with the same issue a few times, but the issue that never stops and never gets resolved, now that is what destroys, and that is why God gave us forgiveness.  He made it and gave it to us.  I have no hope without it for my marriage.  I can actually experience some peace if i forgive.  If forgiving is a burden then it is not forgiveness.  Forgiveness is there to help me cope.  It is also there because people mess up all the time and we sin against God so we are expected to forgive because we ask God to forgive us.  But many of us ask for the forgiveness and we feel remorse.  This is different.  There is a difference in forgiveness when someone asks and feels remorse and tries to stop the thing they are doing and the forgiveness given when there is no remorse and no attempt to change.  The first kind is for the offender, the other is for the offended.  I do not profess to understand this or to have learned to do this or what all this means, but I imagine the day I learn how to forgive that perpetual offense will be the day I stop perpetually yelling at my kids....but more importantly, will understand what it means to get into the kingdom of God.