My husband and I were discussing a couple we know today. They have had marriage problems, and the husband has told his wife twice that he did not love her anymore. I was trying to figure out how this is possible. I told my husband that there have been times that I have been miserable in my marriage and times that I have wanted to leave, but I have never felt that I did not love him anymore. How do you 'unlove' someone? I must wonder if it is just a statement used as an excuse for something deeper going on.
I think in the situation with this couple that the husband has become 'disenchanted.' I do not believe he has cheated, but I think maybe he wants to or he thinks there may be someone out there better suited for him. He must be so convinced by something else that he actually believes he does not love his wife anymore. There are thoughts looming that cannot be from the Lord for someone to stop loving their own flesh. There is an affair going on here, whether it be physical or not. Affairs are not limited to the physical act of sex...
As I was talking to my husband about how I have never stopped loving him, I started getting a bit emotional. I started thinking that the way I love my husband is supernatural because I do not know if I alone could love someone so much who has caused so much pain in my life. Our relationship is better now, but it once was not. My husband's previous lifestyle and our relationship flaws consumed me. I started to build a castle of fear around my heart. I did not understand anything that was happening in my life and I had not a clue how to cope with it. I became pregnant shortly after marriage, and I felt, at any moment, that everything could fall apart. My life was wrapped in eggshells. I cannot even begin to explain all of the things I have learned, but the greatest thing I learned was how to pray. I started praying for my eyes to see what I feared the most, and I do not know why.....Looking back, it must have been the Holy Spirit speaking for me and my Father carrying me.
I prayed that God would withhold nothing from my eyes in regards to my husband. I no longer wanted to love my husband for the mere goodness in him, I desired to love him for all of him. I had started to not want to see things for the way they truly were.
I talk to numerous women who ignore the bad health of their marriages under the excuse of 'being positive.' Believe me, staring into the raw truth of your husband's flaws that could potentially destroy your marriage, is not an easier way to live. Loving someone and facing all the darkness that lingers under the surface and embracing it and calling it by name is extremely uncomfortable and unnatural, but God will do an amazing work in your heart. I have seen the effects of women placing blinders across their eyes....they soon lose touch and take up residence in 'la la land.' They fly around on wings made out of tissue paper. I do understand why women do it for I am tempted as well, but cannot God be greater than my fears? Is not He particularly attracted to situations such as mine and theirs? There were so many things I had not accepted about my relationship with my husband and so many things I had not accepted about my husband's past, but I knew that God loved him just the way he was....and me as well.....And I knew that somehow I would be blessed if my heart could love another as God has so generously loved me. These new thoughts were leading me to peace in my marriage.....
Other things have given me peace in the midst of chaos as well....a more intimate relationship with God, a moment by moment friendship with Him based on honesty and sharing, an amazing counselor, a great church, a few good seasonal friendships (I am a mother....maintaining friends is difficult), and a new perspective of myself, and some extremely insightful, enriching books have really helped!!! But nothing like this new prayer.....
Since I started praying that God would open my eyes, something happened that I never expected. One morning I awoke before my husband and as I gazed over at him, his restful face took on an innocence. It was almost as if I was beholding him as a mother beholds her sleeping son. And for a moment, I truly loved him for everything he was, even the things that have caused me the most pain...some of those things came to mind but they just floated away as a leaf floats down a lazy river...the leaf does not disturb the peacefulness of the flow. The leaf is part of it, but the river is much more vast. For a moment, all the pain was swallowed up by the vastness of my love for him....and then I felt God's face on me. He allowed me this moment so I could get a glimpse of His heart. Yes, God took over my heart for a moment, and I will never forget it, and if you pray what I did, he will allow you a moment too.....
I did not feel that for my husband because of some amazing moral decision he had made the day before or because he made me feel extra special....it did not happen because he gave, it happened because God gave. And, you know, just because I had this moment did I cease struggling or worrying or that all my imperfections suddenly vanished. I do not think this moment was meant to do that at all....
Sometimes I think that all sin is, is a distraction, an attempt of Satan to make us feel like we cannot have a relationship with God because we are not worthy, and being unworthy is really beside the point. Who ever said we were worthy? It is our ability to look beyond our own sin and still see God, even in the moment of our entanglement and proclaim, 'I praise you God, I love you and I know you love me right now!!' I would go so far as to say that God can even use sin in our lives to see how much we desire him, to see if we will reach out and touch him. It is easier to believe that God loves me when I am lovable, but how about when I am tainted? Where is my belief then? God wants me to believe he loves me in the midst of my sin more than he wants me to just not sin.....
I would encourage you to pray this prayer about everyone in your life. May we never love anyone, not our children, our friends, or our fellow Christians for the good alone. Pray that you will see all for all.....God will do a supernatural work in your heart. You will see as He sees....
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