Tonight as I was working out, I was praising God
for the day He gave me. To anyone else, it may have seemed
a very dull, uneventful day. I cleaned the house, worked on the
nursery for my new baby girl, went over letters and numbers
with my five year old, was 'basically' patient with my two year old,
watched my boys play in the snow, and worked out. And for me,
this day was a miracle.
Yesterday was not a good day. I halfway did the above without
any heart involvement. I tried to work out and instead cursed myself to
God, asked him why he created me and asked him why he gave me
children....I thought they deserved much better. Yesterday the life
was sucked out of me again by depression..
It is even hard to remember yesterday...when I try to analyze the day,
my thoughts fog up and it almost seems as if I am trying to recall a dream.
And as I pray, I find myself wanting to completely ignore the day before.
But the way I felt was so extreme and inescapable, I felt it wrong to ignore.
It is extremely difficult to pray about things that do not make sense in my
life and depression is one of those things. I cannot come up with any logical
explanation for the depth of my depression at times. It goes beyond any past
or present pain that could be to blame. It surpasses all efforts I have exhausted
against it. Depression swallows up my prayers and leaves me silenced in
heartwrenching tears. But the tears are welcomed in these moments..it is the
moments that I feel numb that scare me the most...numbness disables my
cry to God for help. I was able to cry out to God this time, but that is all.
I basically asked him to just rescue me. As I write this today, I am just shaking
my head. It is interesting to record how you feel when you are depressed.
If you suffer from this, you should do it sometime then look at what you wrote
a day or two later....you will be amazed.
I have shared some of my journaling with my counselor on days I am fighting
depression and I just cry reading it, and it is almost embarrassing which is odd
because it is a part of me. Funny how we can forget our own selves! Rethinking
previous days may seem pointless. To me it feels like someone asking me, "Hannah,
the next time you are locked in a cell and the key is incinerated, how will you escape?"
I am starting to believe that there is no escape from depression. So what can I do
other than escape?
I can change my attitude towards it.
There are situations we can experience in life that are beyond our control. I have been
reading Man's Search for Meaning by psychologist, Victor Frankl. He was in a
concentration camp during the Holocaust, and he observed how that life affected
those men and women around him. I cannot begin to scratch the surface of this book,
but he says the last freedom you have no matter what, the only freedom that no one or
no thing can take away is your attitude towards your circumstances. He explains this
in great detail with sufficient evidence, and I can say, it has changed my perspective
about everything in life.
There was no escape for these prisoners and they had no idea of how long they
would have to endure their sufferings and their incarceration. The ones that were not
reduced to becoming a product of their surroundings were those grounded in an
inner spiritual life which surpassed the extreme conditions that surrounded them.
Does this apply? I see this EVERYWHERE. I see countless people who have
become a product of their situation. So it is safe to assume that all of us will be
called to rise above something in our lives even if the 'something' is unavoidable.
So I may not be able to escape my depression but I can change my attitude towards it.
I can accept that it is a part of me. I think that I have spent way too long ignoring that
I struggle with something that leaves me completely helpless. Is that so bad? It is if I
do not accept it. If I accept it, I can change my attitude towards it and maybe even
manipulate it to my advantage....
Another thing about depression that I believe makes it unique in battling is that there
seems to be no value in suffering from it. Anyone who has suffered from it knows how
trying to force your way out of it only makes it worse. There are many ways I have tried
to force my way out of it, but just giving up in the moment seems to be the only answer.
If I cry out to God and find myself in the same state of mind, then I do not know of
anything more I can possibly do. God knows I do not want to feel that way, and God
also knows that he cannot use me in the moments I am struck down by this disease.
And this brings me to another example....think of John the Baptist when he was imprisoned
before he was to be beheaded. Jesus said that there is none greater than John the Baptist,
yet John the Baptist sat in a cell. He must have thought he could be doing much more good
if he was released right? Which is how I feel about depression, which shows that my attitude
still needs to change. What is at the heart of all this? What do I really want to know from God?
Is he good? Do I just believe in him or do I also believe he is good? If he is good and if I experience
things in life that render me useless to him at times then there must be more to me than
just being used for his purposes.....I am still important to him when I am useless.
This has caused me to desire to make a promise to God...that the next time I am depressed
that I will praise him for he is good. I believe there is power in that. And the next time I am depressed,
I will not judge myself. In the midst of battling depression, no judgements should be made....and
if judgements have to be made then it needs to happen another time. And I will not talk to anyone
who does not understand depression and who is not honest with themselves. And I will not try
to be objective about anything...there is no way around taking everything personal on a depressed
day, so I will try to avoid difficult people and difficult situations. And with my children, I will err on
the side of passivity. I will accept my limitations, I will praise God, I will put my boxing gloves away,
I will realize that no matter how hard I fight I will not win, but I will also bring forth a new attitude
towards defeat. I hope this helps....
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Respect
I have read marraige books on the importance of respecting your husband, and I believe that it is important to respect your husband as it is to respect anyone. But respect is a loaded term....Children lose respect for parents when parents are continuously and needlessly cruel. And wives lose respect for their husbands when they are needlessly cruel or continuously inconsiderate and selfish. If respect must be earned, then it can be lost, right?
Respect is like honesty. If someone lies to you all the time, it would not only be impossible but foolish to put your trust in them. And the same with respect. But certain marriage books claim that respect is essential in the marriage, and you know what? It is. So how does that make you feel? If you respect your husband then you feel fine, but if you do not and your husband continually does things to lessen and lessen your respect for him, then what do you do? Well I used to think that being in a marriage where a wife did not respect her husband was hopeless. I have had seasons where I have not respected my husband at all. I always love him, but respect is not the same as love. I believe you can love someone and not respect them.
There is one thing you can do if you do not respect your husband, and it is not to 'pretend' that you do. And maybe your issue is not respect....if not, just fill in the blank here and what I am about to say will apply. I guarantee there will be dysfunction in your marriage if you do not respect your husband or wherever the relationship may be lacking, but God can overcome anything, even a marriage that lacks respect. So your situation may be desperate but not hopeless, NEVER hopeless.
And this is how you should pray....'Lord, I do not respect my husband (by the way He already knows) but Lord, you can show me how to be the wife I need to be to thrive in a marriage where respect has been lost...and Lord, you can overcome this problem in my marriage because you are more powerful and bigger than all of this.'
And then you seek God like you never have before. If you have a heart for God and you truly desire your marriage to be what God designed it to be, then God will show you how to be a wife to a husband who is verbally wreckless and does any number of things which cause disrespect to grow in your heart.
And what if your husband never appreciates how you fight and how you seek to always make things right and make things better? What if he never tries to earn your respect no matter what you do? What if all your efforts fall flat? What then?? What you will soon realize is that marriage is much more than what you get out of it. Our God is a Giver....and he will use every drop of your efforts to make you like He is. This is a hard truth, but once it is received, the blessings will flow through a life fully reliant on God centered giving.
In a marriage where only one partner really strives to make things right, all you can really do is give. And as long as you give in hopes of only to receive, then giving will be bondage for you. You will see that this applies beyond the issue of respect. Take, for example, a marriage where sex is not equally valued. I have many friends, if not all of them, who experience this very problem. What do you do if your husband or wife does not desire you sexually either rarely or never? Ok, so we know right off the bat that this is going to cause problems.....and this may be you. Now, let me explain that marriages come on a case by case basis. Each marriage is unique just as each person is unique. This could be happening for any number of reasons which I am not interested in discussing at this point. The more important subject to me at this moment is the underlying issue. Marriages are all too often generalized. Generalized problems with generalized solutions, at least that is how I often feel when I seek counsel or read books. But the complete opposite is true. Books and general counsel can only take you so far. Marriage is about details and raw honesty if things are ever to truly change. And God is never about 'half rear' changing, He is about all in or all out changing. You cannot halfway follow him so it would be safe to assume that you cannot halfway 'do' marriage, right? So, back to our question, 'Can a marriage thrive if one partner has a healthy sex drive and the other does not?'
You must ask God, 'Father, show me how to live in a marriage where my husband/wife does not desire me....show me how to be the spouse I need to be regardless of whether this issue is addressed.' I can imagine what it would feel like if my husband did not desire me physically because I experienced this to some degree not long after I was married. This has been resolved but the scars are still faintly apparent, but to deal with this day and day out over years and years is hard to imagine. But who is to say that a lack of respect in marriage is just as damaging if not more so....
Lack of respect or whatsoever the case may be, you must be prepared to be completely honest and vulnerable to God. You do not know how to handle these issues because this is not the way it is supposed to be. It was never God's plan for marriage to be in the hands of those who are not in constant relationship with him. If there is a solution, it will not come from you, it will come from God. So just admit to God that you have no idea what you are doing...I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed 'God I have no idea what to do at this point in my marriage...'
One of the first things that C. S. Lewis says happens in love, between a husband and a wife, in his book The Four Loves, is that the ability to distinguish between giving an receiving is lost....and if we are to resemble Christ, we must do what is right regardless of what our spouse is doing, no matter the cost. I am not saying that I am there yet. And I am not saying that I am not...I am saying that I get it. I give because it is right and sometimes I feel like a slave, but better to be a slave to doing good than to selfishness, right? Point being...it doesn't always feel good and rewards are scarce and appreciation is very rarely felt.
I believe that we all can feel like we must be wrong if we are not reaping the benefits we are sewing into our marriage. I sometimes feel like I must not be doing something right if my marriage is not getting any better or my marriage is not full of life. But that cannot always be true can it? People still make their own decisions, which should really give us some peace shouldn't it? Knowing that has given me much frustration, but I have been wrong. I know many women believe everything is their fault when their marriage goes bad because after all, they did decide to marry this man, but remember this man or that man or this woman or that woman can always choose to do right after all. So there you go....if you have ever felt guilty or felt like you married someone you should not have, well the person you married could have chosen to treat you right but they chose not. No one is ever made to do right, but no one is ever made to do wrong either......
So if it doesn't make a difference in your marriage even if Christ himself showed up and performed five hundred miracles in front of your spouse's face, then what is your faithfulness? Or what is a faithful wife, even if God has not penetrated by now? This may sound very negative, but if it took Christ coming down face to face with your destructive partner, don't you think he would do it?
God has already done it all, all you have to do is believe that and offer what you have....and that is love. You will need God's constant presence to offer love.....and there will be times that you feel distance from God, that you feel he is not answering you and that he does not care, but that is a curse. That is the curse of flesh. Take heart that God is also more powerful than any curse. He wants us to want Him more than we want peace or fulfillment or blessing or respect or desire or passion or happiness or anything because.....Christ gave up all of that for us. He so loved the world, that He gave, He gave, He gave.....
C.S. Lewis puts it so eloquently again in his book The Four Loves on the issue of love and giving. He explains that a man wants to be with a woman regardless if there is any happiness to be had at all, and if there is happiness to be had outside of his love for her, then he forfeits happiness. What is happiness in the face of love? What is happiness in the face of our relationship with our Lord?
Marriage has sure been abused by such ugliness....marriage in our culture has been dragged through the mud. I could compare as dragging a beautiful and pure bride all dressed in wedding white through the mud and laughing about it. Marriage is beautiful and people heap ugliness upon it. When husbands are disrespectful and careless and wreckless and they never repent or acknowledge their fault, I am sad not only because it causes pain, but because it is dragging something beautiful through the mud. It is the ignorant and ugly capturing the pure and beautiful. It is good verses evil and evil prevailing. When evil is shown prevailing in movies, isn't it just appalling? Think of William Wallace at the end of 'Braveheart,' being tortured by fools and ultimately killed.....it is heart wrenching. And it is reality....but would you say all his efforts for good were worth nothing because of the way he died? Were his efforts in vain because he was hated and abused? By no means!!!! Which makes my final point....we are always in the battle of good verses evil and everthing that you do matters no matter how it is received. You may be the victim of ignorance or foolishness but it is never for nothing and how you handle it is not only important but eternal....
Respect is like honesty. If someone lies to you all the time, it would not only be impossible but foolish to put your trust in them. And the same with respect. But certain marriage books claim that respect is essential in the marriage, and you know what? It is. So how does that make you feel? If you respect your husband then you feel fine, but if you do not and your husband continually does things to lessen and lessen your respect for him, then what do you do? Well I used to think that being in a marriage where a wife did not respect her husband was hopeless. I have had seasons where I have not respected my husband at all. I always love him, but respect is not the same as love. I believe you can love someone and not respect them.
There is one thing you can do if you do not respect your husband, and it is not to 'pretend' that you do. And maybe your issue is not respect....if not, just fill in the blank here and what I am about to say will apply. I guarantee there will be dysfunction in your marriage if you do not respect your husband or wherever the relationship may be lacking, but God can overcome anything, even a marriage that lacks respect. So your situation may be desperate but not hopeless, NEVER hopeless.
And this is how you should pray....'Lord, I do not respect my husband (by the way He already knows) but Lord, you can show me how to be the wife I need to be to thrive in a marriage where respect has been lost...and Lord, you can overcome this problem in my marriage because you are more powerful and bigger than all of this.'
And then you seek God like you never have before. If you have a heart for God and you truly desire your marriage to be what God designed it to be, then God will show you how to be a wife to a husband who is verbally wreckless and does any number of things which cause disrespect to grow in your heart.
And what if your husband never appreciates how you fight and how you seek to always make things right and make things better? What if he never tries to earn your respect no matter what you do? What if all your efforts fall flat? What then?? What you will soon realize is that marriage is much more than what you get out of it. Our God is a Giver....and he will use every drop of your efforts to make you like He is. This is a hard truth, but once it is received, the blessings will flow through a life fully reliant on God centered giving.
In a marriage where only one partner really strives to make things right, all you can really do is give. And as long as you give in hopes of only to receive, then giving will be bondage for you. You will see that this applies beyond the issue of respect. Take, for example, a marriage where sex is not equally valued. I have many friends, if not all of them, who experience this very problem. What do you do if your husband or wife does not desire you sexually either rarely or never? Ok, so we know right off the bat that this is going to cause problems.....and this may be you. Now, let me explain that marriages come on a case by case basis. Each marriage is unique just as each person is unique. This could be happening for any number of reasons which I am not interested in discussing at this point. The more important subject to me at this moment is the underlying issue. Marriages are all too often generalized. Generalized problems with generalized solutions, at least that is how I often feel when I seek counsel or read books. But the complete opposite is true. Books and general counsel can only take you so far. Marriage is about details and raw honesty if things are ever to truly change. And God is never about 'half rear' changing, He is about all in or all out changing. You cannot halfway follow him so it would be safe to assume that you cannot halfway 'do' marriage, right? So, back to our question, 'Can a marriage thrive if one partner has a healthy sex drive and the other does not?'
You must ask God, 'Father, show me how to live in a marriage where my husband/wife does not desire me....show me how to be the spouse I need to be regardless of whether this issue is addressed.' I can imagine what it would feel like if my husband did not desire me physically because I experienced this to some degree not long after I was married. This has been resolved but the scars are still faintly apparent, but to deal with this day and day out over years and years is hard to imagine. But who is to say that a lack of respect in marriage is just as damaging if not more so....
Lack of respect or whatsoever the case may be, you must be prepared to be completely honest and vulnerable to God. You do not know how to handle these issues because this is not the way it is supposed to be. It was never God's plan for marriage to be in the hands of those who are not in constant relationship with him. If there is a solution, it will not come from you, it will come from God. So just admit to God that you have no idea what you are doing...I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed 'God I have no idea what to do at this point in my marriage...'
One of the first things that C. S. Lewis says happens in love, between a husband and a wife, in his book The Four Loves, is that the ability to distinguish between giving an receiving is lost....and if we are to resemble Christ, we must do what is right regardless of what our spouse is doing, no matter the cost. I am not saying that I am there yet. And I am not saying that I am not...I am saying that I get it. I give because it is right and sometimes I feel like a slave, but better to be a slave to doing good than to selfishness, right? Point being...it doesn't always feel good and rewards are scarce and appreciation is very rarely felt.
I believe that we all can feel like we must be wrong if we are not reaping the benefits we are sewing into our marriage. I sometimes feel like I must not be doing something right if my marriage is not getting any better or my marriage is not full of life. But that cannot always be true can it? People still make their own decisions, which should really give us some peace shouldn't it? Knowing that has given me much frustration, but I have been wrong. I know many women believe everything is their fault when their marriage goes bad because after all, they did decide to marry this man, but remember this man or that man or this woman or that woman can always choose to do right after all. So there you go....if you have ever felt guilty or felt like you married someone you should not have, well the person you married could have chosen to treat you right but they chose not. No one is ever made to do right, but no one is ever made to do wrong either......
So if it doesn't make a difference in your marriage even if Christ himself showed up and performed five hundred miracles in front of your spouse's face, then what is your faithfulness? Or what is a faithful wife, even if God has not penetrated by now? This may sound very negative, but if it took Christ coming down face to face with your destructive partner, don't you think he would do it?
God has already done it all, all you have to do is believe that and offer what you have....and that is love. You will need God's constant presence to offer love.....and there will be times that you feel distance from God, that you feel he is not answering you and that he does not care, but that is a curse. That is the curse of flesh. Take heart that God is also more powerful than any curse. He wants us to want Him more than we want peace or fulfillment or blessing or respect or desire or passion or happiness or anything because.....Christ gave up all of that for us. He so loved the world, that He gave, He gave, He gave.....
C.S. Lewis puts it so eloquently again in his book The Four Loves on the issue of love and giving. He explains that a man wants to be with a woman regardless if there is any happiness to be had at all, and if there is happiness to be had outside of his love for her, then he forfeits happiness. What is happiness in the face of love? What is happiness in the face of our relationship with our Lord?
Marriage has sure been abused by such ugliness....marriage in our culture has been dragged through the mud. I could compare as dragging a beautiful and pure bride all dressed in wedding white through the mud and laughing about it. Marriage is beautiful and people heap ugliness upon it. When husbands are disrespectful and careless and wreckless and they never repent or acknowledge their fault, I am sad not only because it causes pain, but because it is dragging something beautiful through the mud. It is the ignorant and ugly capturing the pure and beautiful. It is good verses evil and evil prevailing. When evil is shown prevailing in movies, isn't it just appalling? Think of William Wallace at the end of 'Braveheart,' being tortured by fools and ultimately killed.....it is heart wrenching. And it is reality....but would you say all his efforts for good were worth nothing because of the way he died? Were his efforts in vain because he was hated and abused? By no means!!!! Which makes my final point....we are always in the battle of good verses evil and everthing that you do matters no matter how it is received. You may be the victim of ignorance or foolishness but it is never for nothing and how you handle it is not only important but eternal....
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Having God's View
My husband and I were discussing a couple we know today. They have had marriage problems, and the husband has told his wife twice that he did not love her anymore. I was trying to figure out how this is possible. I told my husband that there have been times that I have been miserable in my marriage and times that I have wanted to leave, but I have never felt that I did not love him anymore. How do you 'unlove' someone? I must wonder if it is just a statement used as an excuse for something deeper going on.
I think in the situation with this couple that the husband has become 'disenchanted.' I do not believe he has cheated, but I think maybe he wants to or he thinks there may be someone out there better suited for him. He must be so convinced by something else that he actually believes he does not love his wife anymore. There are thoughts looming that cannot be from the Lord for someone to stop loving their own flesh. There is an affair going on here, whether it be physical or not. Affairs are not limited to the physical act of sex...
As I was talking to my husband about how I have never stopped loving him, I started getting a bit emotional. I started thinking that the way I love my husband is supernatural because I do not know if I alone could love someone so much who has caused so much pain in my life. Our relationship is better now, but it once was not. My husband's previous lifestyle and our relationship flaws consumed me. I started to build a castle of fear around my heart. I did not understand anything that was happening in my life and I had not a clue how to cope with it. I became pregnant shortly after marriage, and I felt, at any moment, that everything could fall apart. My life was wrapped in eggshells. I cannot even begin to explain all of the things I have learned, but the greatest thing I learned was how to pray. I started praying for my eyes to see what I feared the most, and I do not know why.....Looking back, it must have been the Holy Spirit speaking for me and my Father carrying me.
I prayed that God would withhold nothing from my eyes in regards to my husband. I no longer wanted to love my husband for the mere goodness in him, I desired to love him for all of him. I had started to not want to see things for the way they truly were.
I talk to numerous women who ignore the bad health of their marriages under the excuse of 'being positive.' Believe me, staring into the raw truth of your husband's flaws that could potentially destroy your marriage, is not an easier way to live. Loving someone and facing all the darkness that lingers under the surface and embracing it and calling it by name is extremely uncomfortable and unnatural, but God will do an amazing work in your heart. I have seen the effects of women placing blinders across their eyes....they soon lose touch and take up residence in 'la la land.' They fly around on wings made out of tissue paper. I do understand why women do it for I am tempted as well, but cannot God be greater than my fears? Is not He particularly attracted to situations such as mine and theirs? There were so many things I had not accepted about my relationship with my husband and so many things I had not accepted about my husband's past, but I knew that God loved him just the way he was....and me as well.....And I knew that somehow I would be blessed if my heart could love another as God has so generously loved me. These new thoughts were leading me to peace in my marriage.....
Other things have given me peace in the midst of chaos as well....a more intimate relationship with God, a moment by moment friendship with Him based on honesty and sharing, an amazing counselor, a great church, a few good seasonal friendships (I am a mother....maintaining friends is difficult), and a new perspective of myself, and some extremely insightful, enriching books have really helped!!! But nothing like this new prayer.....
Since I started praying that God would open my eyes, something happened that I never expected. One morning I awoke before my husband and as I gazed over at him, his restful face took on an innocence. It was almost as if I was beholding him as a mother beholds her sleeping son. And for a moment, I truly loved him for everything he was, even the things that have caused me the most pain...some of those things came to mind but they just floated away as a leaf floats down a lazy river...the leaf does not disturb the peacefulness of the flow. The leaf is part of it, but the river is much more vast. For a moment, all the pain was swallowed up by the vastness of my love for him....and then I felt God's face on me. He allowed me this moment so I could get a glimpse of His heart. Yes, God took over my heart for a moment, and I will never forget it, and if you pray what I did, he will allow you a moment too.....
I did not feel that for my husband because of some amazing moral decision he had made the day before or because he made me feel extra special....it did not happen because he gave, it happened because God gave. And, you know, just because I had this moment did I cease struggling or worrying or that all my imperfections suddenly vanished. I do not think this moment was meant to do that at all....
Sometimes I think that all sin is, is a distraction, an attempt of Satan to make us feel like we cannot have a relationship with God because we are not worthy, and being unworthy is really beside the point. Who ever said we were worthy? It is our ability to look beyond our own sin and still see God, even in the moment of our entanglement and proclaim, 'I praise you God, I love you and I know you love me right now!!' I would go so far as to say that God can even use sin in our lives to see how much we desire him, to see if we will reach out and touch him. It is easier to believe that God loves me when I am lovable, but how about when I am tainted? Where is my belief then? God wants me to believe he loves me in the midst of my sin more than he wants me to just not sin.....
I would encourage you to pray this prayer about everyone in your life. May we never love anyone, not our children, our friends, or our fellow Christians for the good alone. Pray that you will see all for all.....God will do a supernatural work in your heart. You will see as He sees....
I think in the situation with this couple that the husband has become 'disenchanted.' I do not believe he has cheated, but I think maybe he wants to or he thinks there may be someone out there better suited for him. He must be so convinced by something else that he actually believes he does not love his wife anymore. There are thoughts looming that cannot be from the Lord for someone to stop loving their own flesh. There is an affair going on here, whether it be physical or not. Affairs are not limited to the physical act of sex...
As I was talking to my husband about how I have never stopped loving him, I started getting a bit emotional. I started thinking that the way I love my husband is supernatural because I do not know if I alone could love someone so much who has caused so much pain in my life. Our relationship is better now, but it once was not. My husband's previous lifestyle and our relationship flaws consumed me. I started to build a castle of fear around my heart. I did not understand anything that was happening in my life and I had not a clue how to cope with it. I became pregnant shortly after marriage, and I felt, at any moment, that everything could fall apart. My life was wrapped in eggshells. I cannot even begin to explain all of the things I have learned, but the greatest thing I learned was how to pray. I started praying for my eyes to see what I feared the most, and I do not know why.....Looking back, it must have been the Holy Spirit speaking for me and my Father carrying me.
I prayed that God would withhold nothing from my eyes in regards to my husband. I no longer wanted to love my husband for the mere goodness in him, I desired to love him for all of him. I had started to not want to see things for the way they truly were.
I talk to numerous women who ignore the bad health of their marriages under the excuse of 'being positive.' Believe me, staring into the raw truth of your husband's flaws that could potentially destroy your marriage, is not an easier way to live. Loving someone and facing all the darkness that lingers under the surface and embracing it and calling it by name is extremely uncomfortable and unnatural, but God will do an amazing work in your heart. I have seen the effects of women placing blinders across their eyes....they soon lose touch and take up residence in 'la la land.' They fly around on wings made out of tissue paper. I do understand why women do it for I am tempted as well, but cannot God be greater than my fears? Is not He particularly attracted to situations such as mine and theirs? There were so many things I had not accepted about my relationship with my husband and so many things I had not accepted about my husband's past, but I knew that God loved him just the way he was....and me as well.....And I knew that somehow I would be blessed if my heart could love another as God has so generously loved me. These new thoughts were leading me to peace in my marriage.....
Other things have given me peace in the midst of chaos as well....a more intimate relationship with God, a moment by moment friendship with Him based on honesty and sharing, an amazing counselor, a great church, a few good seasonal friendships (I am a mother....maintaining friends is difficult), and a new perspective of myself, and some extremely insightful, enriching books have really helped!!! But nothing like this new prayer.....
Since I started praying that God would open my eyes, something happened that I never expected. One morning I awoke before my husband and as I gazed over at him, his restful face took on an innocence. It was almost as if I was beholding him as a mother beholds her sleeping son. And for a moment, I truly loved him for everything he was, even the things that have caused me the most pain...some of those things came to mind but they just floated away as a leaf floats down a lazy river...the leaf does not disturb the peacefulness of the flow. The leaf is part of it, but the river is much more vast. For a moment, all the pain was swallowed up by the vastness of my love for him....and then I felt God's face on me. He allowed me this moment so I could get a glimpse of His heart. Yes, God took over my heart for a moment, and I will never forget it, and if you pray what I did, he will allow you a moment too.....
I did not feel that for my husband because of some amazing moral decision he had made the day before or because he made me feel extra special....it did not happen because he gave, it happened because God gave. And, you know, just because I had this moment did I cease struggling or worrying or that all my imperfections suddenly vanished. I do not think this moment was meant to do that at all....
Sometimes I think that all sin is, is a distraction, an attempt of Satan to make us feel like we cannot have a relationship with God because we are not worthy, and being unworthy is really beside the point. Who ever said we were worthy? It is our ability to look beyond our own sin and still see God, even in the moment of our entanglement and proclaim, 'I praise you God, I love you and I know you love me right now!!' I would go so far as to say that God can even use sin in our lives to see how much we desire him, to see if we will reach out and touch him. It is easier to believe that God loves me when I am lovable, but how about when I am tainted? Where is my belief then? God wants me to believe he loves me in the midst of my sin more than he wants me to just not sin.....
I would encourage you to pray this prayer about everyone in your life. May we never love anyone, not our children, our friends, or our fellow Christians for the good alone. Pray that you will see all for all.....God will do a supernatural work in your heart. You will see as He sees....
Friday, March 25, 2011
Some Insights into Love
I could not sleep tonight after a few episodes of 'The Office.' I went to bed, praying and pondering....I was pondering over the women I love in movies, but more accurately, the parts they play. And I noticed that the women that came to mind were all very different, so I had to search for a common denominator...
For example, 'Pam' in 'The Office', is very shy and subdued. She is a secretary, timid, modest and sweet....and I just love her!! I think that I would like to be more like her sometimes. Why is that??
Sandra Bullock in 'The Blind Side', plays a successful, rich, outgoing fireball. She says whatever she thinks, and she is not timid at all. She is intimidating!! She is strong, and in that movie she is my hero and who I will come back as in my next life!! But why is that?
And in 'Notting Hill,' Julia Roberts plays the beautiful Anna Scott. I like to watch the movie just to look at her, but she is selfish, flighty, strong-willed, tender, unpredictable and a super successful actress. And I want to be her!! Why is that?
I thought, 'what do these women have in common?' Are they all missing some significant character flaw, such as insecurity or jealousy? What is it that makes them so captivating??
Then it just hit me....all three are loved by men who love them for exactly who they are. These women are loved for their secret, unique qualities that could be easily missed if one were not thoroughly undistracted. And the love these men have for these women, makes you love them too.
Then I immediately thought, if a mere man imagined by some Hollywood screenwriter is represented as loving a woman so beautifully, how much more does God love me??? I had never thought about love this way before. What makes me so lovable is that God loves me just for me. Love is so much more inspiring and intriguing when it exists in the midst of seriously flawed people! God does not love me because I am strong or because I am not. He does not love me because of my great sense of humor or lack of it. God does not love me based on my physical beauty or the measure of my success. Success, beauty, humor....it is all relative isn't it?
Have not we all found a joke corny until the one we love tells it? Haven't we all thought that an idea was ridiculous until the one we love is suddenly struck by it? LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING!! Haven't we thought someone unattractive until beauty poured from their eloquent lips?
We are captivated by someone and all of a sudden, we reconsider everything we thought we knew. And we love, we just love. And that makes all the difference....
Suddenly we become more patient in areas we had little patience before. Waiting becomes less painful when we wait for the one we love. We find kindness in our hearts that have harbored bitterness and resentment....our envious spirit is quieted and healed in the comfortable embrace of this new love because this new love invites togetherness and sharing...
Suddenly it isn't about just me anymore. We do not want to talk about ourselves. This love is so interesting, we only want to know more and more. And as we come to know more, we discover a new realm of ourselves and the goodness that exists within us is extracted from somewhere way down deep in a forgotten place. And our pride is humbled in the face of this love which gives us peace.
We suddenly want to be better people. We no longer react to situations without logic. Logic replaces our irrational tantrums we once entertained. We have found the treasure at last and sold all to have it. Selfishness has become a wellspring of emptiness. Thank God!! Selfishness was getting me nowhere! And even though this love is not perfect and sometimes disappoints, it doesn't really matter because the blessings being poured into every crack and crevice of our lives so far outweighs the unexpected twists and turns. A life of giving and not receiving has been discovered, and we are fully changed by it.
This love has led to a rediscovered purity and rediscovered dreams. You are celebrating what is good and thinking of new ways to do good for the one you love. And evil loses its appeal completely to the point of hating what is evil. You protect this love with fierceness and sweat beads against all evil that could possibly penetrate and destroy. Your vision has become clear at last because of love.
Suddenly trust has become a real possibility. Trust was something you buried years ago. Trust starts to rise up because this new love accepts you for who you are, no strings attached. Rules and expectations have been reduced to mere words, and giving comes, not out of obligation, but out of gratitude....
We believe again. Love has become more real than breath. And no matter what happens, failure ceases, and perseverance prevails.
When this love is experienced, the thought of exchanging it is preposterous! We would not exchange this love for the gift of unlocking all mysteries of the future and never having to take risks without knowing the outcome of our efforts. We would not trade this love for the ability to speak in a superior language that could be only understood by the beings of our choosing. We would not trade this love for possessing all the gifts of knowledge and wisdom of things we have dreamt of knowing but not the time to discover. Because the most powerful voice of wisdom in the face of love is a faint whisper. Being loved fully and understood fully and known fully by someone who is not scared to venture into the places we hide, and who laughs when we laugh, and cries when we cry, and who picks us up when we have been foolish and kisses us on the lips, and rescues us and carries us when we are drowning in loneliness....that is worth so incredibly more than the voice of wisdom screaming in our ears and breathing down our backs...
And finally, this love restores. No matter the pain we have felt in the past, no matter the wrongs we have committed and have been committed to us that eat away at our souls because we are so fragile.....we are so fragile. This love washes it clean. We come full circle and the pain is banished by the power of this love. We are whole and we feel what it feels like to be untainted....the imperfections disappear forever...
We once viewed ourselves as if looking in a mirror. We saw a physical body weighed by worldly standards and a shameful nakedness. We blinked and the mirror blinked back with eyes full of judgement and condemnation.....but love shattered the mirror by a force of eternity, of an eternal love. And now a mirror is only a piece of broken glass, left behind by our transformation...
No more living in the past, for this childish. Faith replaces the journey that is behind us. And no more living in the future and being full of worry. No way!!! There is no room for thoughts of such things in the present presence of this love. Futuristic thinking has been replaced with contentedness....
And love gave birth to it all. Faith did not birth love and hope did not birth love, but love conceived faith and hope, and love conceived you.......
inspired by 1 Corinthians 13.....
For example, 'Pam' in 'The Office', is very shy and subdued. She is a secretary, timid, modest and sweet....and I just love her!! I think that I would like to be more like her sometimes. Why is that??
Sandra Bullock in 'The Blind Side', plays a successful, rich, outgoing fireball. She says whatever she thinks, and she is not timid at all. She is intimidating!! She is strong, and in that movie she is my hero and who I will come back as in my next life!! But why is that?
And in 'Notting Hill,' Julia Roberts plays the beautiful Anna Scott. I like to watch the movie just to look at her, but she is selfish, flighty, strong-willed, tender, unpredictable and a super successful actress. And I want to be her!! Why is that?
I thought, 'what do these women have in common?' Are they all missing some significant character flaw, such as insecurity or jealousy? What is it that makes them so captivating??
Then it just hit me....all three are loved by men who love them for exactly who they are. These women are loved for their secret, unique qualities that could be easily missed if one were not thoroughly undistracted. And the love these men have for these women, makes you love them too.
Then I immediately thought, if a mere man imagined by some Hollywood screenwriter is represented as loving a woman so beautifully, how much more does God love me??? I had never thought about love this way before. What makes me so lovable is that God loves me just for me. Love is so much more inspiring and intriguing when it exists in the midst of seriously flawed people! God does not love me because I am strong or because I am not. He does not love me because of my great sense of humor or lack of it. God does not love me based on my physical beauty or the measure of my success. Success, beauty, humor....it is all relative isn't it?
Have not we all found a joke corny until the one we love tells it? Haven't we all thought that an idea was ridiculous until the one we love is suddenly struck by it? LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING!! Haven't we thought someone unattractive until beauty poured from their eloquent lips?
We are captivated by someone and all of a sudden, we reconsider everything we thought we knew. And we love, we just love. And that makes all the difference....
Suddenly we become more patient in areas we had little patience before. Waiting becomes less painful when we wait for the one we love. We find kindness in our hearts that have harbored bitterness and resentment....our envious spirit is quieted and healed in the comfortable embrace of this new love because this new love invites togetherness and sharing...
Suddenly it isn't about just me anymore. We do not want to talk about ourselves. This love is so interesting, we only want to know more and more. And as we come to know more, we discover a new realm of ourselves and the goodness that exists within us is extracted from somewhere way down deep in a forgotten place. And our pride is humbled in the face of this love which gives us peace.
We suddenly want to be better people. We no longer react to situations without logic. Logic replaces our irrational tantrums we once entertained. We have found the treasure at last and sold all to have it. Selfishness has become a wellspring of emptiness. Thank God!! Selfishness was getting me nowhere! And even though this love is not perfect and sometimes disappoints, it doesn't really matter because the blessings being poured into every crack and crevice of our lives so far outweighs the unexpected twists and turns. A life of giving and not receiving has been discovered, and we are fully changed by it.
This love has led to a rediscovered purity and rediscovered dreams. You are celebrating what is good and thinking of new ways to do good for the one you love. And evil loses its appeal completely to the point of hating what is evil. You protect this love with fierceness and sweat beads against all evil that could possibly penetrate and destroy. Your vision has become clear at last because of love.
Suddenly trust has become a real possibility. Trust was something you buried years ago. Trust starts to rise up because this new love accepts you for who you are, no strings attached. Rules and expectations have been reduced to mere words, and giving comes, not out of obligation, but out of gratitude....
We believe again. Love has become more real than breath. And no matter what happens, failure ceases, and perseverance prevails.
When this love is experienced, the thought of exchanging it is preposterous! We would not exchange this love for the gift of unlocking all mysteries of the future and never having to take risks without knowing the outcome of our efforts. We would not trade this love for the ability to speak in a superior language that could be only understood by the beings of our choosing. We would not trade this love for possessing all the gifts of knowledge and wisdom of things we have dreamt of knowing but not the time to discover. Because the most powerful voice of wisdom in the face of love is a faint whisper. Being loved fully and understood fully and known fully by someone who is not scared to venture into the places we hide, and who laughs when we laugh, and cries when we cry, and who picks us up when we have been foolish and kisses us on the lips, and rescues us and carries us when we are drowning in loneliness....that is worth so incredibly more than the voice of wisdom screaming in our ears and breathing down our backs...
And finally, this love restores. No matter the pain we have felt in the past, no matter the wrongs we have committed and have been committed to us that eat away at our souls because we are so fragile.....we are so fragile. This love washes it clean. We come full circle and the pain is banished by the power of this love. We are whole and we feel what it feels like to be untainted....the imperfections disappear forever...
We once viewed ourselves as if looking in a mirror. We saw a physical body weighed by worldly standards and a shameful nakedness. We blinked and the mirror blinked back with eyes full of judgement and condemnation.....but love shattered the mirror by a force of eternity, of an eternal love. And now a mirror is only a piece of broken glass, left behind by our transformation...
No more living in the past, for this childish. Faith replaces the journey that is behind us. And no more living in the future and being full of worry. No way!!! There is no room for thoughts of such things in the present presence of this love. Futuristic thinking has been replaced with contentedness....
And love gave birth to it all. Faith did not birth love and hope did not birth love, but love conceived faith and hope, and love conceived you.......
inspired by 1 Corinthians 13.....
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